Where's Emily Post when we need her? The past doyenne of manners, properly published as she once was, might make at least a small dent in the rampant rudeness now seemingly alive and well in our midst. Nobody takes an RSVP seriously any more, instead waiting to decide whether or not to attend until the last minute and maybe showing up, even at a catered event, without saying they're coming. Emily Post would never approve.
Some months ago, I was invited to what I can only describe as a grand gay wedding - a huge church, 350 guests, tented additions to a Georgian house, black tie - it could hardly have been more splendid. Oh, I know. They were joyful at their union and wanted to share their celebration with their families and friends. And maybe some acquaintances, like me. I don't begrudge them that. They should have what they wanted, a special occasion, to remember all their lives. In keeping with the festivities as well as the formalities of the engraved invitation, I immediately ordered crystal champagne goblets from Tiffany's, my standard wedding gift, and had them sent to the couple's home. When I lamented, aloud to a friend, that I hadn't received an acknowledgement, which Emily would have insisted go out immediately upon receipt of the gift - if only to say it had arrived safely, if not to express appreciation - I was told the wedding was so big, with so many issues, that the couple was busy with their plans, and far too occupied with those important details to send out written notes. Maybe so. But it's now been two weeks since the wedding and still no acknowledgement or thanks. Oh. I guess I should say that at the last minute a nasty and persistently cranky colon prevented me from attending the wedding where I didn't want to embarrass them, or myself, by having an accident and having to leave abruptly. I asked their best friend, with whom I was scheduled to attend, to let them know. Perhaps I should have called them. But at the last minute, just an hour or so before their wedding? I don't think so. I later heard from their friend that they toasted themselves and their guests with the goblets I sent them, complete with the traditional white ribbon Tiffany uses to tie up their traditional blue box. So I do know they were received. Perhaps they would have thanked me for them in person. But no matter. For such a formal occasion, Emily Post would have insisted that a formal acknowledgment of the gift was absolutely necessary. I suppose they may be waiting to say thank you as a note in their Christmas card, or to mention my gift the next time they see me. Emily Post would not approve. Such a formal occasion requires a formal note.
In similar fashion, I sent several weeks ago an email to a couple, inviting them to join me here at home for Christmas dinner. (To be fair, I suppose Emily Post would not have approved of the invitation going out by email, but then we didn't have email in her day.) Having no response, and wanting to fill the limited seating at my table, I wrote another email to the wife saying that since I hadn't heard from them, I could only think they were away on some exotic trip they've been known to take and that I was sorry they couldn't come. We'd do it another time, soon. She immediately emailed back, saying she was waiting to hear from her niece who traditionally invited them for Christmas but hadn't yet responded to her prompting about the day. And so she couldn't tell me whether they could come or not. Emily wouldn't have liked this either. First, the niece should make her plans early enough not to keep my couple hanging. And second, the wife could have explained to me that she was waiting for the niece before accepting or declining. That would taken me off hold and encouraged my sympathy at the situation. And I could have said I'd wait for the niece's decision. But not wanting to wait until the last minute to fill my table - another faux pas in Emily's book - I emailed the wife back to say I was sorry they couldn't be here and reiterated my nebulous future invitation for a later, rain-check date. I suppose the couple will never speak to me again, thinking me rude for assuming they couldn't come. And perhaps Emily could have given me advice on how I might have better handled the situation.
Then, another couple said they didn't expect to be going for Christmas to their families, both of which live some distance away, so I invited them for Christmas dinner. They responded that if they definitely decided not to go, they'd definitely come. Again, that put me on hold. So I emailed them back to say they should let me know soon because I wanted to fill my table before the last minute. I didn't want to be rude to any other invitees. But the couple has not responded and I'm still on hold. Should I treat them the same way, saying I'm sorry they can't make it? Or should I invite another couple to fill my table and if the first couple decides to come, convert the dinner, planned for my table, to buffet? Emily would say that people should make up their minds and respond within a few days of receipt of an invitation. Or advise the host why they can't commit.
It goes on. Yesterday, I gave a brunch, planned for 12. I invited my guests by phone, and had a verbal commitment from each. One couple couldn't come because of recent surgery. Another couple, also with recent surgery, said they would definitely be here. And then it snowed. Emily would say it was okay to cancel under such emergency circumstances but that this cancellation required a phone call to the host. And two of my invited couples did just that. Two other couples called to be sure the brunch was still on and to say they would be here, if a little late. But the second couple with surgery, didn't call to cancel and never showed up. Anticipating their arrival and understanding that they might be a little late because of the weather, I held the timing of the brunch, but they never arrived. I finally put the meal in the oven, over three quarters of an hour later than planned, which was somewhat rude to my guests. And I've still not heard from the absent couple.
I don't know what it is about our current society that contributes to this rudeness. After all, we share almost everything on the Internet, on Facebook and Twitter. Why can't we share being polite? Have we forgotten our manners? Where is Emily Post when we (desperately) need her?
Stay tuned.
Some months ago, I was invited to what I can only describe as a grand gay wedding - a huge church, 350 guests, tented additions to a Georgian house, black tie - it could hardly have been more splendid. Oh, I know. They were joyful at their union and wanted to share their celebration with their families and friends. And maybe some acquaintances, like me. I don't begrudge them that. They should have what they wanted, a special occasion, to remember all their lives. In keeping with the festivities as well as the formalities of the engraved invitation, I immediately ordered crystal champagne goblets from Tiffany's, my standard wedding gift, and had them sent to the couple's home. When I lamented, aloud to a friend, that I hadn't received an acknowledgement, which Emily would have insisted go out immediately upon receipt of the gift - if only to say it had arrived safely, if not to express appreciation - I was told the wedding was so big, with so many issues, that the couple was busy with their plans, and far too occupied with those important details to send out written notes. Maybe so. But it's now been two weeks since the wedding and still no acknowledgement or thanks. Oh. I guess I should say that at the last minute a nasty and persistently cranky colon prevented me from attending the wedding where I didn't want to embarrass them, or myself, by having an accident and having to leave abruptly. I asked their best friend, with whom I was scheduled to attend, to let them know. Perhaps I should have called them. But at the last minute, just an hour or so before their wedding? I don't think so. I later heard from their friend that they toasted themselves and their guests with the goblets I sent them, complete with the traditional white ribbon Tiffany uses to tie up their traditional blue box. So I do know they were received. Perhaps they would have thanked me for them in person. But no matter. For such a formal occasion, Emily Post would have insisted that a formal acknowledgment of the gift was absolutely necessary. I suppose they may be waiting to say thank you as a note in their Christmas card, or to mention my gift the next time they see me. Emily Post would not approve. Such a formal occasion requires a formal note.
In similar fashion, I sent several weeks ago an email to a couple, inviting them to join me here at home for Christmas dinner. (To be fair, I suppose Emily Post would not have approved of the invitation going out by email, but then we didn't have email in her day.) Having no response, and wanting to fill the limited seating at my table, I wrote another email to the wife saying that since I hadn't heard from them, I could only think they were away on some exotic trip they've been known to take and that I was sorry they couldn't come. We'd do it another time, soon. She immediately emailed back, saying she was waiting to hear from her niece who traditionally invited them for Christmas but hadn't yet responded to her prompting about the day. And so she couldn't tell me whether they could come or not. Emily wouldn't have liked this either. First, the niece should make her plans early enough not to keep my couple hanging. And second, the wife could have explained to me that she was waiting for the niece before accepting or declining. That would taken me off hold and encouraged my sympathy at the situation. And I could have said I'd wait for the niece's decision. But not wanting to wait until the last minute to fill my table - another faux pas in Emily's book - I emailed the wife back to say I was sorry they couldn't be here and reiterated my nebulous future invitation for a later, rain-check date. I suppose the couple will never speak to me again, thinking me rude for assuming they couldn't come. And perhaps Emily could have given me advice on how I might have better handled the situation.
Then, another couple said they didn't expect to be going for Christmas to their families, both of which live some distance away, so I invited them for Christmas dinner. They responded that if they definitely decided not to go, they'd definitely come. Again, that put me on hold. So I emailed them back to say they should let me know soon because I wanted to fill my table before the last minute. I didn't want to be rude to any other invitees. But the couple has not responded and I'm still on hold. Should I treat them the same way, saying I'm sorry they can't make it? Or should I invite another couple to fill my table and if the first couple decides to come, convert the dinner, planned for my table, to buffet? Emily would say that people should make up their minds and respond within a few days of receipt of an invitation. Or advise the host why they can't commit.
It goes on. Yesterday, I gave a brunch, planned for 12. I invited my guests by phone, and had a verbal commitment from each. One couple couldn't come because of recent surgery. Another couple, also with recent surgery, said they would definitely be here. And then it snowed. Emily would say it was okay to cancel under such emergency circumstances but that this cancellation required a phone call to the host. And two of my invited couples did just that. Two other couples called to be sure the brunch was still on and to say they would be here, if a little late. But the second couple with surgery, didn't call to cancel and never showed up. Anticipating their arrival and understanding that they might be a little late because of the weather, I held the timing of the brunch, but they never arrived. I finally put the meal in the oven, over three quarters of an hour later than planned, which was somewhat rude to my guests. And I've still not heard from the absent couple.
I don't know what it is about our current society that contributes to this rudeness. After all, we share almost everything on the Internet, on Facebook and Twitter. Why can't we share being polite? Have we forgotten our manners? Where is Emily Post when we (desperately) need her?
Stay tuned.
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